I have a genius money making idea!

D'you think it has legs?

I’m sorry to go about Paris but I loved our little Airbnb there. I loved it so much I sketched it for ‘reference.’

Y’know, for inspiration on how to make our Glasgow flat a little bit like that.

Note the absence of knackered old Venetian blinds which are impossible to clean without breaking them irreparably. What joker invented window coverings with 8000 gunk-collecting slats?

We need gauzy white curtains that waft gently in the breeze. Also, note that lovely herringbone parquet flooring. We need that too!

Yes, I know herringbone flooring is ruinously expensive but surely I can raise the money somehow? Still brimming with (slightly manic) post-holiday energy, I reckon could write more books - faster. But how would that work? How many words would I need to write per square metre of herringbone?

An awful lot and I’m writing full pelt as it is.

No, what I need is a lucrative sideline.

Perhaps I’m still drunk from all that Paris wine but I’m thinking: Doesn’t Lily Allen make more from her OnlyFans foot photos than her music these days? I’m sure I read that somewhere.

Okay, I’m not Lily Allen with a perfect 5* rating on WikiFeet (this is a real thing). Mine are what you might term ‘wide set’. I also have deformed little toes that huddle in against the others due to poorly fitting foot-lacerating 1980s shoes. But they’re not that bad, considering their mistreatment. I reckon they could be quite attractive if photographed in subdued lighting from the right angle.

As I start looking into this, I learn many things about the foot fetish world.

For instance, apparently the most lucrative type is what’s called ‘the peasant foot.’ ie. the three largest toes are virtually the same length so the foot is basically a rectangular block shape like this.

Mine aren’t like that but surely any feet will do? When my friend C was selling a pair of old boots on eBay, some bloke offered her £400 if she’d model them when he came round to collect them and he hadn’t even seen her feet (obviously she declined his generous offer).

But then as I investigate further I realise it’s not quite that simple, and that you have to put some work into this. Like apparently it’s good to be ‘niche’ and tootsie pervs like to see ‘feet with props’. But what kind of props? Are we talking niche props?

Would this do?

Also: feet in heels are popular, but I disposed of all my high heels post-pandemic when the charity shops opened up. Suddenly, in terms of wearable footwear they seemed as feasible as these:

Does anyone wear heels in 2025? It never came naturally I have to say. Yet I persevered, under the illusion that they made me look marginally less short-arse (I am five foot two). All those years I tottered about, wobbling unconfidently, feet weeping and bleeding and begging to be liberated. Once, after a work party in London, I ended up carrying my shoes as I tramped back to my Travelodge in rain-sodden tights.

My OnlyFans investigations also reveal that that ‘feet crushing food’ is popular. But what kind of food? Grapes for wine? Should I mash potatoes or stamp on a Battenburg? Smash up a stack of meringues?

I read that it’s good to ‘show personality’ but how can my feet do that?

Should I paint little faces on them? Make them ‘speak’?

As I investigate further I learn that all sorts of ‘variations’ are required. We’re talking showing one’s feet in the bath, or all dirty with soil or other things I cannot possibly go into here. And disappointingly I hear that the ‘foot fetish space is terribly crowded.’

Dominated by those perfectly formed Lily Allen tootsies, I’d wager. Grrr.

The worst of it is, you have go all out to market your site and I’m not good at that - at selling things to people. Strapped for cash a few years ago, I stuck a load of old dresses on Depop (before Vinted was the place) and after months sold precisely one, for £4.70. This involved taking half a day to pack it and take it to the post office and I’d rather someone drilled into my ear canal than have to stand in the post office queue.

Plus, with any platform you’re on, you have to keep on top of it and interact. It gobbles up obscene amounts of time and energy and maybe I should spend that time writing books? Plus, what if my ‘fans’ wanted to ‘engage’ in other ways?

I’m not sure I’m up to commodifying my trotters. I just don’t see myself raking in more than enough to buy a Sherbet Dip Dab and so, sadly, the herringbone flooring is still out of reach.

Maybe I could stretch to a £10 IKEA rug?

Love,

Fiona xx

PS My new novel, The Full Nest, has over 400 reviews with a 4.5* average! Temped? You can grab your copy here!