Why I'm a gullible sucker...

And why it's time to stop

When you read women’s mags, and have been around the block a few times, you see the same advice popping up over and over. Some of this ‘advice’ I’ve dispatched myself, in ye olde magazine days: stuff like drink eight glasses of water a day.

What did I know? I didn’t drink any at all. Back then - in the 80s - we believed that coffee, Coke and beer were basically water so that’s what we had.

As for that perennial magazine feature - ‘Get Ready For Summer!’ - yes, I had a hand in a few of those too.

Of course it’s always the same old advice that’s rolled out. Exercise, detox, exfoliate! Slough off that drab winter skin! The amount of airtime exfoliation has enjoyed over the decades, you could forget that our epidermis sheds naturally (an estimated 30,000-40,000 skin cells daily, fact fans).

Yes, the act of slathering unctions onto your face and body can feel quite pampering. But why the terrors because summer’s on the way? (OH GOD IT’S COMING!!).

Christmas, I can understand, with all the shopping and wrapping and cooking involved. I start getting nervous about Christmas in March. But summer isn’t demanding or scary. It’s not a court appearance or a doctor probing up your bottom. It’s the most amiable of seasons, simply showing up on a yearly basis with no intention other than to cheer us up.

And yet… my attention is caught by a magazine with a free supplement entirely devoted to gearing up for it. And because I’m a gullible sucker I buy it.

Even though I’ve read a Get Ready for Summer! feature every year since 1983 - the days of Jane Fonda’s Workout and pummelling my thighs with a rubbery Elancyl Mitt. And I’m still never quite ready enough.

In this one, I flick to the skincare section and read: Any moisturiser will deliver a plumping effect. You just know it doesn’t. I’ve used dozens of moisturisers from basic lard to the hideously expensive containing White Horehound Essence (which had to be good), bought in Covent Garden after a boozy lunch - and my skin has remained stubbornly unplumped.

Also recommended here: a bath additive to draw out toxins. Do we still believe this - that anything can get the toxins out of us once they’re in?

The supplement also tells me that when walking we should always wear supportive footwear as if ermine-lined slippers might be the natural choice.

And a tanning mousse is recommended for a leaner looking silhouette, plus leg make-up ‘if you’re self conscious.’

Jeez, calm down, it’s only summer! It’s only - if you’re lucky - a few days on the beach! And you’re only going to be relaxing on it. Not having a date with Harry Styles or being photographed by Steven Meisel for Vogue.

‘Have you EXFOLIATED?’

Luckily, I’ve shed any shame about my pale, beefy calves and I don’t even think about my ‘silhouette’ because not a single person is looking.

This ‘invisibility’ that older women talk about - I agree that it’s irksome, being overlooked due to ageism. But what I’m talking about is the joy of being un-scrutinised.

I’d say I allow my legs to become as fuzzy as a bear’s but actually, my leg hair can’t be bothered to grow any more. So no more looking down at my shins and realising that within 24 hours they’ve become covered in spikes.

It’s one of the greatest things about growing older - not the leg hair thing (although that’s handy) but this total absence of pre-holiday horrors. There’s no urge to be spray-tanned (that was laughable - I matched our terracotta plant pots) or weeping quietly while trying on string bikinis like tiny hammocks for mice.

Things have moved on - or rather gone retro. On the high street there’s a proliferation of bikini bottoms as high waistedly sturdy as your Auntie Myra’s gigantic knickers. Not that I’m needing those right now. I’m writing this on the blustery west coast of Scotland and I’m as summer ready as I’ll ever be.

Bring it on!!

Love,

Fiona xx

PS My new novel, The Woman Who Got Her Spark Back, is out in just one week! It’s the story of Celia, who runs a houseplant hospital and likes her life to be steady and smooth - until catastrophe strikes and her whole world crumbles.

It’s about new beginnings, midlife adventures and the people who pull you through, when it really matters.

Is it ever too late to grow? You can pre-order here!