I’ve had some vile and minging habits in my time. I’ll spare you the worst and mention only the ones various family members mentioned, when I asked them if I did anything annoying.
The way I snip at things with kitchen scissors as they’re cooking in the pan, apparently. Bits of chicken and peppers and whatnot. (I’m sorry but what’s wrong with that?!!). And how, instead of unwrapping a foil triangle of Laughing Cow cheese in the ‘correct’ manner, using the tiny red tab, I stab it with a knife and squeeze the cheese out.
CALL THE POLICE!
Jimmy also says I pack ‘badly.’ He rolls things up tiny so he can fit loads of things in his suitcase, whereas I just stuff everything in haphazardly.
SO SHOOT ME!
Other habits of mine are work related and therefore nobody else’s bloody business. For instance, when I’m writing I always listen to music with headphones, and I also mutter out loud what I’m typing even though I can’t hear myself. When it comes to writing books - or writing anything - people have their own peculiar habits. One author pal has a way of reminding herself not to over-worry or stress, and to just have fun with her writing. To do this, she greets her work-in-progress every morning with a cheery, ‘Hello, shitty first draft!’
I love that. It’s a reminder that first drafts generally are a pile of steaming dung - all lumpen and messy with Jeremy’s eyes suddenly switching from blue to hazel and someone being pregnant for 26 months (timeline error) and a ramshackle bit in the middle where you’ve written SOME STUFF HAPPENS HERE.
Until recently another work related habit I had was writing in bed. This started during lockdown, when everyone was home and I literally had nowhere else to go - but then, as someone pointed out, ‘Covid was four years ago. We’ve moved on.’ And then I noticed recently that all of my jumpers are bobbling at an alarming rate. Quite expensive jumpers, some of them. One day they’ll be perfectly normal and then - virtually instantly - they’ll be 98% bobble.
‘It’s because you’re in bed all the time,’ suggested a ‘helpful’ family member. ‘It’s the friction. You’re ruining your jumpers by working in bed.’
I’d worried about bed sores or possibly even losing the use of my legs - but I hadn’t banked on sweater wreckage. This was galling. One of those sweaters cost £60 and I’d bobbled it in three wearings! I wouldn’t even insult a charity shop with it. This realisation was shocking to me - and it got me out of bed sharpish.
I now work in in a vertical position - virtually bobble free. I beaver away at my desk at home, or in our local library, stopping only to stab at a Laughing Cow cheese and squirt it onto a cracker. Then I crack on again.
And you know what? It’s ruddy marvellous. I feel like a functioning adult at last.
But don’t tell my family that.
Love,
Fiona xx
PS As you read this I’ll be in Greece with two of my very best friends, celebrating a 60th birthday. Which is why it’s a bit of a quickie missive this week. If you’re looking for more to read I would of course be thrilled if you’d choose my new novel. If you find Christmas prep a tad overwhelming at times, then I think you’ll love it. ‘Tis the Damn Season is out now - and you can order here!
I see absolutely no problem in using scissors for snipping at food, to do so during the cooking process is surely nothing more than highly efficient. As for Laughing Cow - who ever managed to make the ruddy tape thing work anyway 🤷🏼♀️ Enjoy Greece - but not too much retsina!
Hi Fiona, I hope you're having a fabulous time in Greece! 🇬🇷🎉😎 Here is my thought process on the laughing cow cheese as I read your (again brilliant) piece of writing...
Yup, that is a bit weird and messy.. oh no yuk, why?! But then I got to the end bit where you mention crackers... then I thought... of-course that's genius! Squirt it right on there, no need for a... oh hang on, she uses a bloody knife to stab it open... so WHY NOT JUST USE IT TO SPREAD IT ON THE CRACKER?! 🤣🤣
Oh, and also... cutting food with scissors IS totally normal and really rather efficient... especially to 'slice' a pizza - life changing!! 🤣
Thanks for making me laugh out loud (again) 🧡