What can boomers teach Gen Z?

Not very much, as it happens...

I like to pretend I’m not a boomer. That I’m Gen X - even though I miss the cut-off by one year (so annoying). Because the whole boomer thing has become a sort of insult, hasn’t it?

‘You’re such a boomer!’ It doesn’t mean, ‘How inspiring you are with your incredible life experience.’ Gen Z doesn’t admire boomers, or want life lessons from us. When you think of the example we’ve set, can you actually blame them?

Boomer life lesson 1: Why bother with air when you can have smoke?

Whereas smoking is now banned everywhere, for boomers it was actively encouraged from a very young age. Your friendly newsagent sold pocket money-friendly ‘singles’ (individual cigs priced at something like 6p). There were also sweet cigarettes you could use for practice on the rare occasions when you weren’t actually smoking.

Planes, trains, automobiles - there was literally no place you couldn’t light up. Even in bed, people chuffed away, ashtray perched on top of the Teasmade. Seeing a couple on TV, smoking languidly under the sateen bedspread, was code for ‘these people have just had sex.’

Everything was nicotine stained: pubs, hair, teeth, fingers - even our pets. You’d see what should have been a snowy white poodle trotting around, tinted yellowy-brown. But the most nicotined places of all were school staff rooms. Littered with filthy ashtrays and polystyrene cups of Nescafe, these spaces housed depressed teachers hunched on stackable chairs, in thick clouds of smoke - literally being smoked, like kippers.

Wholesome Gen-Z-ers make chia puddings for breakfast. We could only stomach a Silk Cut.

Boomer life lesson 2: Traumatise a friend by sending them a naked person!

I mentioned stripagrams to a young person recently. They didn’t understand the concept. ‘Is it to do with Instagram?’ No, I said - it’s like you’d book the person and they’d turn up at your friend’s workplace or party in, say, a traffic warden outfit. And they’d march right in and identify the ‘target’ and announce, loudly: ‘I’m sorry to say I’ve come to serve you with a PARKING TICKET!’ Then off would come the gear and - I stopped then as the horrified young person had left the room.

In contrast, Gen Z are reviving crafts such as knitting, crochet and sewing. It wouldn’t occur to them to book a ‘fireman’ to disrobe saucily at a friend’s workplace. They are more likely to knit them a scarf in ethically sourced yarn.

To be honest, I’m baffled now as to why boomers thought stripagrams were funny. Were we permanently drunk? Er…

Boomer life lesson 3: Marinate yourself in booze!

Remember that jaunty Mungo Jerry song, In The Summertime? ‘Have a drink, have a drive,’ he urged us, cheerily. People actually said, ‘Having a drink makes me a better driver.’ Ha, tell that one to the judge!

Compared to us booze soddened oldsters, Gen Z barely touch alcohol at all. But boomers even gave alcohol to babies. Often, when out in the park with my baby twin sons, I’d be bothered by older boomers rushing over and telling me to add a tot of whisky to their bottles ‘to make them sleep’, and to force brandy on them ‘for teething’.

I also think that barging up to strangers with unsolicited advice is a very boomery thing to do.

Boomer life lesson 4: Scorch your face with boiling water!

When we weren’t getting steaming we were steaming our faces. This sounds benign (even pleasingly Swedish, like a steam room?) but it actually meant scorching your face, almost until your skin melted off. It was supposed to ‘open the pores’ - but who wants their pores open? I want mine snapped shut, not shocked and gaping as if confronted by a 1970s flasher in the park.

Really, the steaming method was the same as holding your face over the kettle.

Gen Z don’t boil their faces. They order simple products that come in minimalist packaging from Glossier. They consume minimal caffeine and use apps to track their sleep patterns. And although it pains me to say it, they look very well on it.

Boomer life lesson 5: Chips with everything! (Splattered in red or brown sauce)

To coordinate with our nicotine hued wallpaper and faces, we loved brown food, the kind dished at motorway service stations and Little Chefs, squirted with sauce from a greasy plastic tomato.

It’s not enough for us to have consumed this artery-wrecking stuff. We also force young people to listen as we reminisce about motorway stop-offs of our youth, going all misty eyed about greasy sausages consumed at Charnock Richard when Dad’s car was held together with sticky-backed plastic and the elastic from Auntie Betty’s knickers.

There was none of your small plates nonsense here.

In contrast, prior to any journey Gen Z pack a bento box with a home-made glass noodle salad and a 17 litre bottle of water. Whereas our bodies were entirely desiccated and clogged with saturated fat, youngsters are fuelled by seeds and maximally hydrated at all times.

So there we have it! Young people today - they have no idea how great we had it, and how much they could learn from us.

I try to impart my boomery wisdom, just to help them to live their best lives. But weirdly, they all run away.

Love,

Fiona xx

PS I’m delighted to say that my new novel, The Woman Who Ran Away From Everything, has been riding high in the Amazon Kindle top 10! You can order your copy here. If you’ve already bought, borrowed, read or reviewed it, thank you so much!